His love never quits

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Hope: blessing and a curse

Hope is both a blessing and a curse. I am such a dreamer, hope is something I do inspite of every effort I make not to. A double edged sword, you must have hope to acchieve your dreams and yet hope is also the one thing that rips you apart when dreams don't come true. Inspiration is the cause of hope. Inspiration, the one reason I believe in the power of the earth and the sky, the pure elements of what life is. How someone could not look at the world around us and not be inspired is beyond me. Every leaf is different every flower unique, and every blade of grass depends upon Him for life. Is that not all of us. He is the creator of the sun as the source of light, He placed the stars in the sky, and He gave us the blessing of life. All science is Him. Humans have tried forever to create things, to make things work. For humans it takes at the very least thousands of tries to final produce something of imperfection. And yet every chemical in our bodies are balanced, every cell in perfect equality. Its a wonder how I could have denied the power and being of God. Talking to him is like being a child again. Even at the age of 16, still considered a child by society, some people of my age have grown up too fast, have experienced too much to be considered a child. Having too much responsibility and not enough freedom, they have no outlets to releave them from the worlds they are consumed by. To be able to feel that safety, to feel His freedom, to know His love...we are able to experience for a brief second a weightless world, a world of a young young child. It is that in which peace can be found, at least that is something I have discovered for my own personal conclusion.
Under the human needs to feel safe, to be loved, to love someone, to be reassured that you are not alone...it is hard, scratch that, extremely extremely hard to find within the relams of the physical, material world surrounding us. In which we are only able to truly fulfill the dire need by completely ourselves in a spiritful sense. Filling in the gap that kills our emotions and making our eyes fill with tears in longing for something more we are able to be complete. Being complete is one of the best feelings one can have in a life time...I would assume. As of right now I have not been able to put my full trust within Him, and while still searching for someone or something He is the only one who is there to put me up again and wipe the tears away. The only one who lets me cry as much as I want to without saying a word about how unnecessary it is. He is the only one who truly knows me, and knows how I try to cope with the challenges and sitautions in front of me.
I wish for things to be easier, but yet if they were it would not be nearly as sweet in the finish. Wishes are for fools, part of a quote that has truly become true for me. I just hope, there is that word again, hope, that I can see myself as a person who is worth something, not based on looks, or intelligence, or influence, but based on my actions, words, and love.
Its hard to think that way, when I am so mentally hard on myself about my looks, never being pretty enough for anyone, or my intelligence, believing my failures continuelly prove me wrong, or my negative influence on my sister because of the mistakes I have made in the past. I love my family so much. I would die for any of them, and I thank God for the special relationships we have, for it is a rarity in the world today. I think I am finally done with my rambling.
Sorry for how long it is, if you don't read all of it, I don't blame ya, lol.


  • At 4:14 AM, Blogger wilsonian said…

    Tony Myles sent me over to say hi :)

    Praying much sweetness for you, much inspiration, and much hope. Most of all, praying it draws you in ever tighter to our Lord.



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