His love never quits

Thursday, September 29, 2005

MySpace!

So the last two posts are my most recent posts on my MySpace. My name on myspace.com is dreamsofgrace. I post on there all the time, so if you want to read more, go there. It is not always deep or thoughtful, but it is more or less what I have going on in my life, and writing about things is usually my way of working things out in my mind. ttyl!:D
Care

Spanish 3~Choices

There are so many choices within a day. Every second sitting in a class you make a choice to do so. I have the choice whether to listen or not to listen, the choice to sit or stand, the choice to run out of the building or sit trapped in a daydream. Of course, all choices hold conquiences. I wish life could be more full of the things we love. What does education have to do with common sense? Well, I guess that is not a good way of wording it. I know that education is very important in certain aspects. But knowing the comma rules won't help you raise a family or build a life. I guess my true amazement is more on how we prize intelligence far above wisdom. As a personal preference, maybe because I have intelligence, I value wisdom far more than the facts inside of books. I lack wisdom for it is with experience that you gain wisdom, experience is something I have very little of. I have always tended to think through things than actually doing them. Life is not summed up in knowledge or thinking but actions and by doing. Life is done, not thought of. How many things I wish to do in my life, yet so many conflicts my heart has with the expectations and norms of society. God didn't make it, so it is not near perfect, so why do we all abide by it? What if God's plan for us as individuals does not fit into society's strict standards? Not that I think that it will be a problem with me. I had a discussion with a good friend of mine Cole, were I told him after he shared his thoughts with me, that I believe that I was made to be a mother. The "mother hen" as Whitney calls me. Its an innate instinct of mine to be so. I guess it is when of the many reasons I don't want to mess around with things right now. Its not fulfilling, dating several guys at once, weighing options, just having fun, knowing in a week ill be bored and moving on. Now don't get me wrong, its not like I want to jump into this huge serious relationship thing, I just want someone who is willing to stick around. And right now it seems that the people willing to do so are far away. Im not a patient enough person and I bleive it is one fo the hard lessons I am learning from my mistakes. I wonder if there are second chances. One of my biggest fears is missing out on true love because I made a huge mistake. God's will, guess I just have to trust him. Its a difficult thing to do sometimes. No, its difficult ALL the time. I like to think that I am my own person and I can take care of myself completely. I mean, sometimes I can be so confident and yet when Im alone I am so insecure about myself, and He is the only one who reassures me. I mean, how will life be in a month? Like nothing changed? New person in my life? Will I have FINALLY learned and listened to this lesson He has been trying to pound into my head? Who knows but Him.
~ Written During Spanish 3...lol the new teacher was here, didn't understand a thing she said, lol~
Love,
Care

Hope: blessing and a curse

Hope is both a blessing and a curse. I am such a dreamer, hope is something I do inspite of every effort I make not to. A double edged sword, you must have hope to acchieve your dreams and yet hope is also the one thing that rips you apart when dreams don't come true. Inspiration is the cause of hope. Inspiration, the one reason I believe in the power of the earth and the sky, the pure elements of what life is. How someone could not look at the world around us and not be inspired is beyond me. Every leaf is different every flower unique, and every blade of grass depends upon Him for life. Is that not all of us. He is the creator of the sun as the source of light, He placed the stars in the sky, and He gave us the blessing of life. All science is Him. Humans have tried forever to create things, to make things work. For humans it takes at the very least thousands of tries to final produce something of imperfection. And yet every chemical in our bodies are balanced, every cell in perfect equality. Its a wonder how I could have denied the power and being of God. Talking to him is like being a child again. Even at the age of 16, still considered a child by society, some people of my age have grown up too fast, have experienced too much to be considered a child. Having too much responsibility and not enough freedom, they have no outlets to releave them from the worlds they are consumed by. To be able to feel that safety, to feel His freedom, to know His love...we are able to experience for a brief second a weightless world, a world of a young young child. It is that in which peace can be found, at least that is something I have discovered for my own personal conclusion.
Under the human needs to feel safe, to be loved, to love someone, to be reassured that you are not alone...it is hard, scratch that, extremely extremely hard to find within the relams of the physical, material world surrounding us. In which we are only able to truly fulfill the dire need by completely ourselves in a spiritful sense. Filling in the gap that kills our emotions and making our eyes fill with tears in longing for something more we are able to be complete. Being complete is one of the best feelings one can have in a life time...I would assume. As of right now I have not been able to put my full trust within Him, and while still searching for someone or something He is the only one who is there to put me up again and wipe the tears away. The only one who lets me cry as much as I want to without saying a word about how unnecessary it is. He is the only one who truly knows me, and knows how I try to cope with the challenges and sitautions in front of me.
I wish for things to be easier, but yet if they were it would not be nearly as sweet in the finish. Wishes are for fools, part of a quote that has truly become true for me. I just hope, there is that word again, hope, that I can see myself as a person who is worth something, not based on looks, or intelligence, or influence, but based on my actions, words, and love.
Its hard to think that way, when I am so mentally hard on myself about my looks, never being pretty enough for anyone, or my intelligence, believing my failures continuelly prove me wrong, or my negative influence on my sister because of the mistakes I have made in the past. I love my family so much. I would die for any of them, and I thank God for the special relationships we have, for it is a rarity in the world today. I think I am finally done with my rambling.
Sorry for how long it is, if you don't read all of it, I don't blame ya, lol.
<3
Care

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Passionate

Today was the first service I have attended since accepting Christ into my life. One thing that stood out to me is...

Worship is Passionate, it is not where you are, but who you are.

To explain more thoroughly my religious background, I have believed in several different things over the course of my childhood. I was raised in the Catholic church which my family has attended for three generations. The priest there was a man who seemed cold and indifferent to the youth within his parish. He had a good heart, but no emotion or feeling behind his sermons, leaving the church with nothing interesting to listen to. When it eventually came time for me to go through Confirmation (the accepting of the Catholic faith as your own when you reach a certain age) I didn't feel I was ready to dedicate myself to a religion that I had developed doubts within. Still active within the youth group, I decided against attending Confirmation classes. That is when the priest decided to combined the two groups, the Confirmation class and youth group, into one, so that if you were in the youth group you were getting confirmed. I grew extremely angry at the church and left.

Before I got my driver's license, I went to the Methodist church in town. Again, it didn't feel right, and at the time I was researching Buddism and Paganism. I started to call myself a Pagan, not quite sure of what branch, but none the less I knew (then) I was not Christian.

When I was able to drive, I started to shop for churches. I finally found one. For about six months I attended Java, a church youth group for the Valpariso Nazarene Church. During this time I was given the opportunity to on my own terms grow in curiousity about their teachings without being drove away by people trying to cram verses down my throat. Still unsure of Christianity, I started attending mass on Sundays. Excellent sermons, wonderful teachings, everything seemed perfect, yet I still could not look past my stubborness and pride.

This past week I attended camp with the church at Fun in the Son. There Larry Matchell was our guide, as he liked to address himself. Real is the word for him. So real, an amazing example of a true Christian, with ups and downs, but Living life. During the week I took notes on everything. What was said made more and more sense. They gave us FACTS. I am such a logical person this was EXACTLY what I was looking for. There is no denying the historical proof of the Bible. Its crazy how much original manuscripts have survived all this time.

Time for Core, the youth group, ill be writting alot more later.

With Love,

Carolyn